[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
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Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem