[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
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WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.