[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
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I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My diet starts in January
of 2027
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
what does he know…
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.