[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
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Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.