[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
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The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture