[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
You Might Also Like
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Monday Lisa
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.