[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
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met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)