If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
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I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.