[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
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I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
That’s amazing.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.