[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
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I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Barbie gone wild
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that