[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
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I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin