[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
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I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Last-minute gift idea!
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.