{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
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Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
#SaturdayBears
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.