{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
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Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out