[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
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me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.