[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
You Might Also Like
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
when u come home smelling like another dog
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me in tagged photos
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Okay me first
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?