[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
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I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I wanna be friends with this person
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand