[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
You got this…
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.