[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
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Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
How it started: How it’s going:
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.