– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
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When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”