Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
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Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence