[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.