First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
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ugh not again
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Oceanography is all about current events
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make