First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
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the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
we’re gonna need another temp
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
The struggle is real.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot