[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
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Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb