[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
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My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.