[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
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Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.