[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
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MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with