[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
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GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
How actors in movies eat their food
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
This could be us… but you playing
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.