[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
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Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.