[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
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Is this the real life?
Is this just
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.