[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Solving a traffic jam
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?