[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
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HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me