[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
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SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Carpe DM
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy