“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
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if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
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Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money