“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
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[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.