First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
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HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you