[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
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In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully