[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
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As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
You wish you had this many chins.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.