First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
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Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Guantanamo Bae
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me