My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Science memes
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella