[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
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dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.