*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
You Might Also Like
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.