@WilliamAder: First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
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@jonnysun: "911 wats ur emergency" hi-- huh? um-- so, uh-- ah. oh geez. well im only just now realizimg that the girl at the bar gave me a fake number
@_2Birds1Stoned_: If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.
@OneLastStranger: Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
@JustASmirk: My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.