First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
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This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
we’re gonna need another temp
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up