[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
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“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.