@SoLongStephen: First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It's almost like they know I'm the target demographic.
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@Tbone7219: A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
@SondraDeeMe: You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he's giving me the silent treatment. He's doing it wrong. I'm doing it right but can't tell him.
@ilyaschaeffer: Netflix would be a great dating site. "Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours."
@JohnLyonTweets: -Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas? -I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a— -I was asking the boy, sir.