@GrantTanaka: First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
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@NJFreudian: I think twitter is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
@koalaslament: Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
@KenJennings: I've been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I've already heard "Shake It Off" 137 times.