First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
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my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.