[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
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I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”